Love Potion #9

       I said I would eventually get around to talking about my wedding and married life. I guess that Valentines day weekend is as good an excuse as any to make eventually right now.  I've observed many newly weds who are anxious to share the 'wealth ' of knowledge they gleaned from several weeks to months of marriage. As can be expected it generally doesn't carry much weight compared to couples who have been together for decades but occasionally some newly weds present a new perspective that is legitimately helpful. I hope the things I say will cause less eyes to roll and more thought on present or future relationships. I may not be an authority on marriage counseling but the young women in our church did vote us cutest couple so I almost know what I'm talking about. I have the 'trophy' to prove it.

       Relationships are strange topics to address considering everyone close to you seems to be overwhelmed by curiosity and grill you for details like its an itch that needs to be scratched while at the same time its touchy when speaking to to those who are single or who's relationship don't seem to measure up to yours in their eyes. It comes too naturally to us to compare ourselves to others almost like we are purposefully collecting insecurities. Maybe because if we have more problems than other people at least in some twisted way we are excelling at something. With all this comparing of circumstances comes a lot of exchanging of advice. People either want to know your secret or want to teach you a lesson. This can be a welcome show of support and trust or can be an unpleasant and unnecessary bucket of mind vomit. Some of the best examples of unwanted help may include pieces of advice that are:

Deep Dark Confessionals
         Some things are best kept private. There are people that are incapable of recognizing the line between relatable, potentially applicable advice and unmerited ramblings that leave you feeling slightly violated.

Common Sense Platitudes
I've all ready expressed my dislike toward the phrase "just be yourself" in another post. The same goes for a long list of needlessly obvious and predictably generic bits of advice that are so unforgivably overused that you could play a game of bingo with them at the reception (That's actually a really good idea). TM

Painfully Specific to the Advice Giver
Every relationship is unique and has things that work for it and things that don't. Some advice can easily be applied to many couples but some are so specific to one couple it could spell disaster for another.

So with that being said any advice I attempt to give about relationships hopefully will not share in any of these pit falls and can be well received. In fact I hope to find a way to express my thoughts opposite those three.

Respect Privacy
Being married for over a year I have come to better understand just how much you can become 'one' with your spouse. You spend so much time together and develop and maintain an unbelievable amount of trust and reliance. You share everything. With that you grow to know so much about them. More than their friends, family and sometimes more than themselves. With such knowledge comes the responsibility to constantly assess what information is too private to let escape your tight knit circle of two. To maintain and fortify trust and respect you share everything with them and are choosy what you share with others.

Don't Let Things Lose Their Meaning or Significance
The first time I told my wife I loved her was a big deal for both of us. Despite the fact that I love her so much more now than I did back then the phrase is not as powerful as it used to be. I say it multiple times a day and when I don't find creative ways to draw attention to it then it can be overlooked. It's the same with many verbal expressions of love and affection. Over time we need to slow down and appreciate a phrase for what it really means and find fun ways to amplify how it is received. Saying "you are the light of my life" or "I adore you" have so much meaning behind them that is often not properly processed. Consciously make an effort to express the phrases the way they need to be expressed.

Set Attainable Expectations
Don't garner false expectations from other 'relationships' around you. Unreasonably high expectations that we get from scripted relationships in the media and only seeing the best side of couples in public or on facebook can be very self defeating. When you expect more from someone than they are capable you will be inevitably disappointed. If friends ask me what they can look forward too from my experience when getting married  all I can say is not to expect it to be like mine. Not many people get to marry the perfect bride and have nothing go wrong at their wedding. In my case the flawlessness and beauty of the celebration itself was a wonderfully accurate reflection of the flawless and beautiful  marriage we've had thus far. I am confident it will continue to be  wonderful so long as we both set appropriate expectations for one another.

 With Finances, familial obligations and distracting hobbies our focus can get blurred and love can begin to fade. The more we do these things the more we will nurture our feelings for one another and our love will remain healthy and bright. Valentines Day should serve as a great reminder to remember how it all started and renew our dedication and unity. Happy Valentines Day.