That's almost productive

        Christmas was wonderful. I new exactly what I was getting which was preferential this year. Sometimes surprises can be overrated when you have specific preferences. Incredibly specific. Maybe too specific.
We are still experiencing holiday aftershock which included my parents running up to visit some family leaving the house to me. I haven't had this much free time in forever so I was excited to get some fun projects done and took it upon myself to relax with fervor. I take my relaxing seriously and wanted these days to be eventful. Surprisingly I found it extremely difficult to maintain productivity. Instead I was held captive by a video game called Skyrim making my other goals hard to reach. Like Jack Bower's daughter in 24 I was constantly pulling off elaborate escapes just to be recaptured by the game until I decided the only way to escape was to conquer it. It was no longer a fun pastime but a battle for freedom. All night I fought the beast fading in and out of consciousness until I was blessed with victory allowing me to finally pay attention to my other tasks.
         In my life priorities are not as comparable to a straight line as they are to a herd of cattle. Instead of staying organized and accessible they need to be perpetually corralled making it hard to take care of them and occasionally I'll loose one or two over the fence. It seems like the more important a priority is the more I want to avoid it for a priority of lesser value. That means that on days like these ones where my top priorities are not very significant I end up doing even less than intended. My semi-important priorities are replaced with counterproductive ones until my usefulness is void.
         It is understandable why people set goals that are above their abilities fully knowing that falling short of that goal still leaves them in good shape. Sometimes setting goals that are too realistic give us too much slack to, well, slack. Some people have amazing self control but for the rest of us free time is wasted time and the more responsibility we are given and the time we seem to lose the more productive we can be. Even the things I choose to do to procrastinate accomplishing big tasks are more productive and worthwhile than the things I do with my free time. It is good to have some helps to make sure that your priorities are headed in the direction you want them to go without losing any or getting burnt out. It may not be perfectly satisfying to not reach high goals but it is much better than the regret of doing nothing. Not much sense in having "cows" if you aren't going to do anything with them. They can't corral, brand, castrate, milk or slaughter and process themselves after all.
Here's something I did with my 'free time'.
 

I need a dream journal

       Just my luck to get food poisoning right after getting home for the holidays. I haven't been that sick in a while but after sleeping it off for 15 hours which inspired a series of bizarre dreams I decided that I should share the good ones. I don't remember them very often but for the most part the ones I do remember are worth telling. I like seeing what my brain can cook up without the constraints of the part of my mind that is somewhat rational. It has many stories to tell. So -memo to self- keep a dream journal.
       Food poisoning wasn't the only thing I got this week. I was also able to get my hands on a new phone which allows me to carry on conversations lasting longer than two and a half minutes and sends text messages when I tell it to. I kept it simple as I cannot trust myself with the distraction of an iphone but my Dad had no problem getting himself one and it has been fun to see him realize the multitude of conveniences he has been missing out on. Who knew he could get his hands on a recipe locating, music playing, direction finding weatherman that orders clothes and tells you when something is perfectly level. I think he is satisfied.
       Tomorrow is Christmas so I'm sure it will be an eventful day. I will try my hardest to pull away long enough to write about what happens and if nothing happens then I'll make up something ridiculous for you.

In a Daze

          Finals week has officially come to an end. It should feel like seeing the mist settle after having to walk through a hail storm but trying to get home has still produced more than just a hassle. With studying for finals, trying to get check out done with bad office hours and policies, packing my stuff and car problems I have been running on about 3 hours of sleep for the last 72 hours. Not something that I would recommend doing especially when you have to drive home.

          Every time this happens I am reminded just how horrible sleep deprivation can be for  me. My lack of dream time must have an affect on my event processing center because I don't seem to have control over what I say or do. In general there are two identities I assume in my state of exhaustion. The first is a mindless entity driven by pure instinct. I walk around in a daze bumping into walls in complete silence or mumbling incoherently. I am somewhat oblivious and unresponsive to whats going on around me and fall in and out of consciousness with the flip of a switch. The second amplifies all of my less desirable qualities. The filter in my brain shuts off creating an alternate form of turrets. All of the weird things that pass through my mind in my delusional state escape from my mouth until I am relentlessly annoying myself and wondering why I can't get myself to shut up.  On rare occasions The two personalities murge creating something comparable to what Steve Urkel would be if he were an undead zombie.

          When I finally made it to apartment 7 I was able to pass out on their couch purging myself of undead Urkel and returning to normal. It's amazing how doing without certain things can have such a significant impact on who we are and how we feel about ourselves. Without sleep it is hard to function and maintain a level of normalsy and there are many other things that have a similar influence. There are countless actions that when cut out of our life turn us into something we are uncomfortable being. We lose control, reasoning and motivation until we are able to restore the balance again. From a spiritual perspective it is easy to notice a change in others and ourselves when we disregard those important things that exist to help us recharge our batteries and continue navigating live with a full tank of gas. We all go through lapses so the important thing to do is to recognize whats missing and replace it before we are no longer able to remember what it is like to experience normal cognitive function (or to remember anything for that matter).
Nobody wants to be undead Urkel.

Enduring the wait until Christmas

-WHAT?! NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Go back and study, its finals week you turd! You don't have any time to fuff around!

-Ya I know but I need a break. Reading all this raw knowledge is going in and without being properly processed into something my brain can digest is thrashing my mind like shrapnel. My brain just rolled on it's back and died whilst inside my skull. My better judgment just doesn't understand which makes his name very misleading. He should be called "judgment that at times can be good but sometimes inspires well intentioned self destruction". At least I'm doing something more constructive than videogames. You would think it would be satisfied with that. And since when does my conscience use words like 'fuff'?

           Soooo new things to report...well it is indeed finals week which is a lovely distraction from the traditional and painful wait for Christmas to roll around. If there is anything good about the overwhelming horror of trying to keep up with the end of the semester it is this. I forget about Christmas. It removes itself from my mind and then magically presents itself upon my arrival home. My 7 year old self would be very jealous of me if he knew I didn't have to wait so long for it to come like he did. Poor lad.


           I do miss out on some of the usual Christmas traditions by not being home though which is unfortunate. Delivering cookies isn't something that sounds very appealing to some but when your family makes it into a game of dingdong ditching neighbors then it becomes a memorable experience. Especially when some of the people you DDD make a violent effort to chase you down and you escape. With the van and disguises you would think that we were robbing a bank instead of spreading joy and diabetes. Turning something innocent and charitable into something devious and scoundrel-esque has to be one of my favorite things in the entire world. That makes it an unusually enjoyable experience for everyone-- Except maybe for the senile old man who after struggling to get to the door for a lengthy amount of time is horrified to discover that his visitor has curiously turned into a plate of holiday cookies. That would be most unfortunate.

But to the rest of you have a very merry Christmas.

Go buy me a donut

I do not consider myself a heavy collector of anything, especially not recently. I have been acquiring a large number of textbooks against my will but that is about it for me right now. Tonight I heard that Herman Cain guy say something hilariously random in one of his recovery speeches that started a train of thought rolling like a boulder down a hill breaking off into a handful of tangents that traveled so far that I had a hard time finding my way back to the original thought that inspired my mental pilgrimage. Here’s one I came back with. Back in the good ol’ days I had my hands in several different things. I was a mild collector of knives, legos and, much like everyone else, I collected Pokemon cards. Those were the days when it was fresh and legit. There was no shame in it, even the coolest kids in school were involved. Apart from Pokemon there was another trading card game that I never thought to try. It was called Magic: The Gathering and at the time was too complicated for my feeble mind and I lost what little interest I had. The art work was fun but it was not of any consequence to me… until recently. It was not too long ago that I realized I was a main character in the game. You think I would have known sooner just how involved I was in the magic universe.      Behold my awesomeness

Jace the mind sculptor, a mind mage and a wielder of blue magic who is described as a planeswalker with a specialization in mind reading, mind control and illusion. Even I didn’t know I was that interesting. If only it were true right? To be able to have control over the minds of others. I can’t even convince Donovan to buy me a donut, despite my large arsenal of coercion,  threatening, dominating and begging techniques. I have already accepted my failings when it comes to imposition of will so looks like I’m going to have to stay in school.

At least Im not that emo or have problems with women who are pyromancers. It’s funny that my supernatural alter ego is all about knowing what people are thinking considering in reality I’m the opposite. I have trouble reading and understanding people when they aren’t being blatantly obvious. It’s hard to live up to the expectations of others when you have no idea what they are. It is especially after watching a couple episodes of Lie To Me that I envy the ability to understand someone perfectly. How easy it is to like a super hero who’s power is your weakness. Except for if one of your weaknesses is insomnia. I wouldn’t consider sleeping too much a good super power.

...and thats when I found it.

Everyone has a store, shop or business that they feel was made particularly for them. Whenever we find ourselves anywhere near it we are forced to go inside and explore, drawn toward it like a naïve mosquito to the mesmerizing blue glow of a fly zapper. We are consumed with the ‘kid in a candy store’ excitement and achieve a level of giddiness that may make those around us feel uncomfortable. I have several of these places myself. As an amateur artist and writer I love office supply stores. Pens and pencils are not just for taking down some ones phone number but are tools for releasing ideas and emotions, frustrations and interests. Everything I feel that I’m good at or that sets me apart are utilized through ink and graphite. I like having my own special arsenal, each utensil for a specific purpose.

Bic makes a pen that has four different colors in one.  It is functional and convenient but it’s a cheesy looking thing made of cheap blue plastic.  The only thing close to it that I could find that looked nice was over 50 bucks so It wasn’t worth it. For years I’ve said if they ever took that silly pen and filled it with more awesomeness I would be obligated to buy it. And then a couple days ago I discovered that they had made it for me. BEHOLD.

Now I might be exaggerating a little when I say it was wind tunnel tested but as small and insignificant as a pen may seem I couldn’t help but get my hands on one. It was a  pen made just for me whether Bic knew it or not and that day I saw one of my dreams come true.

Yes I know how ridiculous that sounds but sentimental value is a strange concept. Why is it your favorite spoon? Because you’ve had it since you were 3 or your best friend gave it to you or because you used it to bury your pet sugar glider named Geraldo. It’s still just a spoon isn’t it? It becomes a symbol to us. It isn’t what something is that makes it special but what it can make us remember and what it can help us create. I'm glad things in this world can have more worth put on them than they deserve for reasons that others might not recognize, but  I'm also a little sad that Geraldo the hypothetical sugar glider is no longer with us. Poor Geraldo.